retrospective

It's been more than a month since my hope was torn and shredded into tiny little pieces, stomped on, then lit on fire, and with time, my vision is a little clearer, and all I can think is, "What was I thinking?"

Oh, don't get me wrong. I am still enamored with [redacted]. Who could actually know her and not be? But it's clear, oh so very clear, oh so painfully clear, that she is way out of my league. That I would've been nothing but a burden and a hindrance to her. That she deserves way better than the pathetic pitifulness that I have to offer.

She made the right decision.

The future looks extraordinarily bleak for me right now. I can't see beyond that dim horizon, and I fear that whatever is beyond it is more darkness. Perhaps even something worse than the oppressive gray that I'm swimming in right now, that clings and weighs me down.

I just have this feeling that where I'm at now is not survivable. That if I have to wallow in this despair for much longer, I'm just not going to make it. Really, this is beyond desperation, even.

All I have to do now, is wait, and if I'm lucky (which I haven't been), nothing worse will happen to me before the inevitable kicks in.