For the past four weeks, and for most of the past four years, my phone has been nothing but a source of grievous dread for me. I remember that summer evening when I found out my dad had had a heart attack, had been admitted to the ICU, and was in heart failure. In ways that I still haven't mapped out completely yet, that particular incident really warped me in a lot of ways. Part of it is the ever-ticking-clock. It isn't my mortality that I fear, necessarily. It's really whether I'm going to be able to make the most out of whatever amount of time I'm granted. I'm not going to wallow in self-pity completely, and say that I haven't accomplished anything. But is it enough? Is this all there is, there ain't no mo'?
Then there was that time when I got that 3 am call that everyone knows is never any good. When J called me to let me know his sister, my cousin, who was born a year after me, had died. That incident really messed me up good, too.
Very little good news has ever come to me through the phone. These days, it harangues and harasses me, reminding me about all the things I'm responsible for that I haven't yet taken care of.
I like to joke around that I don't really need a girlfriend. What I really need is a secretary. I need someone to shear away the rough edges that the world will throw at me. Today I almost had a mental breakdown simply because I couldn't find my car keys. I was just about ready to just call in sick and go back to bed. I remember my heart was racing, I was sweating profusely, and I was on the verge of tears.
The fact that there is no one I can turn to in these moments of desperation really makes me sad. One of these days, life is going to hit me hard where it hurts, and all I'll be able to do is take the punch, and just sit there dazed and stunned.
I guess it's true. Whatever doesn't kill you. Though sometimes I think I'm secretly hoping that it will.
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