omega

I am the last single person among my closest friends. Wow.

no chance

And even though it's impossible, even though there's no way on heaven and earth that it could possibly happen, she lingers in my mind. I dreamt of her last night. But even in my dreams, I can only long for her from afar. It's like chasing starlight. Fairy dreams.

What kind of life is this?

retrospective

It's been more than a month since my hope was torn and shredded into tiny little pieces, stomped on, then lit on fire, and with time, my vision is a little clearer, and all I can think is, "What was I thinking?"

Oh, don't get me wrong. I am still enamored with [redacted]. Who could actually know her and not be? But it's clear, oh so very clear, oh so painfully clear, that she is way out of my league. That I would've been nothing but a burden and a hindrance to her. That she deserves way better than the pathetic pitifulness that I have to offer.

She made the right decision.

The future looks extraordinarily bleak for me right now. I can't see beyond that dim horizon, and I fear that whatever is beyond it is more darkness. Perhaps even something worse than the oppressive gray that I'm swimming in right now, that clings and weighs me down.

I just have this feeling that where I'm at now is not survivable. That if I have to wallow in this despair for much longer, I'm just not going to make it. Really, this is beyond desperation, even.

All I have to do now, is wait, and if I'm lucky (which I haven't been), nothing worse will happen to me before the inevitable kicks in.

in response to pressure gradients

I don't know whether I'm going to explode, or implode.

paralyzed

I don't want to go home. But I don't want to be here. I currently feel extremely ill-equipped to deal with life right now.

shivering

I find it comforting to believe that I never had a chance.

snap

I'm fearing that I'm seriously not going to make it.